Yay or Nay to Pre-Wedding Events? | #ASKADESTI LETTERS
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Q
Hi Omi,
I'm new to your podcast but I am already so grateful for the advice you've shared! My fiancé and I live in Chicago and our desti wedding is taking place May 19, 2021, in Cozumel, Mexico. Invitations have been sent.
My fiancé and I could not be more excited! Because our love for each other exists regardless of a wedding, our mentality is that this is a vacation for us to spend time with the most important people in our lives...and "oh, by the way, we're getting married. Please stop by."
We decided to have a destination wedding because it was the most bang for our (i.e., us and our guests') buck. We have been to many non-local weddings and by the time we've paid for our flight, hotel, food, drinks, Uber/rentals, entertainment, etc., we're out about $1k (or more)...in Detroit...or Cleveland...or Indianapolis, you get the picture. For our out of town guests coming to Chicago, it would not be cheap, to say the least. If our loved ones are paying that much money to come celebrate with us, then we want them to get more for their money--an amazing vacation experience and more quality time with the happy couple.
What we have learned is that many people don't realize how much they actually spend to attend a wedding because they aren't seeing the total at once. Because ours is a desti wedding, guests must plan in advance and the price tag seems "scary" to some. Though, it's an all-inclusive so the price is actually incredible for all they are receiving!
As a result, I have had some people (e.g., sadly my MOH) throw shade when I mention pre-wedding events, specifically the bridal shower. Unfortunately, funding the bridal shower is not financially possible for my mother who would be your typical host. My fiancé and I had already planned to fund it ourselves. I am not expecting gifts, though we did create a small registry per family's request; however, we have emphasized that their presence is gift enough and we do not expect gifts.
Is it excessive to want a bridal shower and even a bachelorette party if you are having a desti wedding? I think my MOH's sentiment is that people are already paying a lot to go to the wedding and it would seem greedy to have events where people assume they need to bring a gift and someone else needs to fund the event.
I am always the woman who knows what she wants and does it even if others hate, but I guess I am starting to feel as if I cannot have any pre-wedding events so as to not burden my loved ones further.
Any feedback you can offer is much appreciated!
Thank you,
DESTI IN DISTRESS
Is it selfish to plan a destination wedding
AND
want a bachelorette party or other pre-wedding events?
A
Dear DESTI IN DISTRESS:
First of all - CONGRATULATIONS on your engagement! This is a SUPER awesome + truly amazing time in life for you and I’m sooo excited + appreciative to be able to help in any way possible! And Cozumel is so on my list - I hear there’s a Reggae bar on the island and I gotta go! Reggae + Mexico?!? Uhh yeah!
Secondly - a gigantic THANK YOU for following the blog/podcast/show…all of the things! I get so excited when I hear that Desti brides like you find me and the show helpful!
Okay, so let’s try to soothe some of this concern of yours…
Can I first say that I LOVE that you asked me this question? Because I do.
I appreciate you reaching out and opening up and I feel you 1000%. I’m not sure how much you’ve read or heard so far so lemme tell you a lil about me - My motto is “you’re not the boss of me” and everyone knows that because it’s my funny way of saying I don’t care, I’m doing it anyway…because I want to… But that doesn’t mean that we’re heartless. The people you’ve invited mean a lot to you. Che (my hubby) and I are very much into being happy and setting boundaries, but that doesn’t mean we don’t love and value relationships. Often times, we end up pushing people out of their comfort zone and they’re happy for it. I sense that you and your fiancé have this similarity.
I felt the exact same way as you do and I talked about it a bit on my blog during the countdown…Check out Days 116 and 36 they’re super relevant. PEOPLE were acting UP, but the negativity really was overshadowed by alll of the positivity. We live in Pittsburgh, but Atlanta is home for me and I toiled back and forth about the decision to have a bachelorette party at all. I’m sooo happy that we ended up having a dual bachelor/bachelorette party in Atlanta and extended the invitation to whoever we wanted (not everyone) and the people who were able to (and wanted to) be there were there. We made sure that everyone knew that we were aware of the “extraness” but if they were in, they were welcome. The friends who came were happy to celebrate and create those memories and we're glad we did too. It was awesome and girrlll I had a hard time feeling worthy of it before we pulled the trigger…like...can I ask for this? Is it too much? It can be difficult celebrating yourself, especially if you’re in a better place than your loved ones. You gotta push through that. Some people struggle with their own self-worth so they may think…if I wouldn’t ask for something, how can you? But you can’t let that be pushed on you - that’s not your thing DESTI IN DISTRESS.
You’ve got some amazing once in a lifetime things going on in life right now and want to celebrate it - how can that be a bad thing?
Here’s what I’m thinking:
1. AMEN to calling out the expensive ass non-local weddings…you’ve got a great point - we’ve spent $1000+ on PLENTY of them! Sometimes even more than Desti weddings we’ve attended. Weddings cost guests money - plain + simple.
And you guys are sooo right about the "bang for your buck", BUT that only applies if you’ve experienced all of the things that you have, and understand what comes with an all-inclusive resort. Many guests don’t fall in this category and they just won’t get it until they experience it. Does this make sense?
For example…my dad kept saying over and over how selfish we were for having a Desti wedding + how we should’ve chosen a cheaper resort, etc. I finally had to tell him to shut up about it. “Your opinion is duly noted…no reason to keep sharing it - this is happening.” DESTI IN DISTRESS, he ended up having the best time, apologized to us sooo many times and as it turned out, he’d never stayed at an all-inclusive resort or a hotel as nice as ours, so he had nothing to compare it to. It was just plain ignorance (that sounds bad) make that lack of experience. They just can't get it. And some still may not get it. And that’s okay - don’t talk to them.
2. We had guests who had never been on a plane, no passports, never left their hometowns, have trouble budgeting for regular household + life stuff ...and we also had globe-trotting, financially secure guests…and everything in between. Both groups' abilities and interests were different - and that's to be expected. You know what the ending looks like so stay strong and trust yourself my sista. 👊🏾
BUT I must say...some people are just plain haters…not calling out anyone specifically, but you know if someone is being a hater. This wouldn’t be the first time they acted up and probably won’t be the last. Those are the haters…and Fuck the haters! (or F*ck if that was offensive) and don’t talk to them either 😂
3. I don't believe that it is excessive to want a bridal shower and/or bachelorette party
If this is something you want and don’t want to miss out on simply because of your wedding location, I’m with you. I was you. I’ve also interviewed and worked with many Desti Brides in your position. If you want people to come, you gotta try to make it easy for them. And easy doesn’t always mean the same for all. To make it easier for people, you can get creative with it. Think about what you want and are willing to do and make a list of all the people you’d want at your shower or bachelorette party. Ask them if they’d be down and see what they say. You could be surprised what happens. They should be honest so be prepared for it to go either way. But one person doesn’t get to (and shouldn’t try to) decide how you’ll celebrate. Majority rules in these cases.
That doesn’t mean you sell yourself short either.
Don’t do something, or invite someone, or go somewhere you’re not gonna enjoy. Find a happy medium and have fun with it!
Maybe you plan to have your bachelorette party in Cozumel or maybe in Playa after your meet + greet event if you’re having one. Or just any night where the majority of your friends are already there. That way no extra travel is necessary. Bring your tiara, sash or whatever you want! Try to avoid doing this the night before the wedding if possible - watch Desti Tressa’s interview and learn from her story 🙀
Maybe you have multiple mini-events. I have a girlfriend who had 3 showers…1 back home in Connecticut for fam, 1 in DC for anyone willing to travel w/ her, and then 1 in Pittsburgh where she lives for that group…it was more traveling for her but she had a ball multiple times and everyone was happy. In my case...In addition to the Atlanta trip, I had a mini Bach party with my sisters in law since they weren’t able to go to the wedding. It was cool and I enjoyed getting dressed up and partying multiple times too! I have different types of friends and everyone can’t afford to do the things I love to do. The fix: multiple mini-events.
Maybe you do something on a smaller scale that doesn’t require a lot…slumber party (I wanna do one so bad), wine tasting, go to a festival, take a gym class, something lightweight.
Maybe you subsidize a part or all of the celebrations. It sounds like what you’re thinking of and I like it. Like you book the hotel room, the restaurant space, the food + drink, the house if you’re going out of town, or something like that. Or you throw the party and people just come.
*Oh and if you’ve emphasized that you don’t expect gifts, you did your part. If anyone is questioning whether you’re genuine in this statement - they’re probably a hater. And you know how I feel about haters - see #2. And really - I don’t see anything wrong with gifts in the first place - had to say it. Anyway…where was I? Oh yeah...
Maybe you don’t want both a shower and bachelorette - choose one.
Have fun with it! Orrr…..
Maybe you’re big ballin’ and wanna take your friends on an all-expenses-paid trip. If that’s the case - don’t forget about me!
I’m serious.
But for real DESTI IN DISTRESS, here’s the thing: the fact that you’re even concerned about making your loved ones uncomfortable or feel burdened says a lot about you. I heard this quote from somewhere that said… "assholes don’t care if they’re being assholes.” DESTI IN DISTRESS: the fact that you’re asking this proves that you’re a thoughtful person. Assholes don't ask if they’re being assholes.
You’re not an asshole…
…at least not for being a Desti bride and wanting to celebrate with pre-wedding events.
Know that celebrating yourself is not a bad thing - it’s actually awesome! Not too many do it enough so YOU lovebirds need to DO YOU and keep being okay with it through this journey. and I’ll keep reminding you along the way.
I wrote a blog post while we were planning our wedding...I think it’ll resonate with you.
Wow that was a lot…hope that helps DESTI IN DISTRESS! Thank you so much for enjoying the show, reaching out and trusting me enough to share my 2 cents with you…even though I gave more like my 20 cents!
And if you have any more questions, let’s have a lil pow wow soon!
Seriously…I can tell you so much more that I can type you 😂
xx, Omi
Soooo…. what do you Destis + Bridefriends think? What say ye to the additional pre-wedding events if you’re already planning a destination wedding? Let’s continue the conversation in the comments below👇🏾see you in there! Love ya lots! xx, Omi
#ASKADESTI
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